It’s practically a cliche to be annoyed by the Phone Menu. You may therefore be tempted toward distraction. Nonetheless, please listen carefully as our menu items have recently changed.
What follows is The Phone Menu at my local utility company, The Highcost Inefficient Energy Foolery, aka THIEF.
Thank you for calling THIEF. Please listen carefully as our menu items have recently changed.
Para Espanol, por favor marque el siete.
Please note that you can visit our website at www.thief.com to find answers to most of your questions. That’s www.thief.com.
If you are calling to report a power outage or for any other power related problem, please press 1 now. (And they mean NOW. Unless the phone keypad is backlit or you’re gripping an incendiary device in your teeth, hard to do in the dark.)
If you are experiencing a power outage, please call 1-800-Thief-4-U. (I’m always a nervous wreck at this juncture. Should I press 1 or call 1-800-Thief-4-U? Did I hesitate too long before pressing 1 and thus squander the privilege to use The Phone Menu? Are they angry because I failed to exert sufficient energy to find an answer at www.thief.com?)
For billing related questions, press 2 now. Please note that you can view and pay your bill at www.thief.com. That’s www.thief.com. (These people clearly don’t want to talk to me.)
If you cannot pay your bill and want to discuss options, press 3 now. (I’m told that department is staffed by people named Pretty Pauley, Lefty, and Big Mo.)
If your service has been disconnected, press 4 now. (Again, hard to do in the dark. Of course The Phone Menu is moot if your phone is powered by electricity.)
If you think your bill is too high, press 5 now. (Don’t bother pressing 5, unless you have made it your life’s purpose to locate the canned laughter track from I Love Lucy.)
To hear about our energy saving initiatives, press 6 now. (I know about those. They install a sinister looking box between your your AC and hot water tank and their breakers and turn off the juice at will. Your part in this initiative is to, while sweating profusely in your 90 degree house or shivering uncontrollably in your 20 degree bathwater, pat yourself on the back for doing your part to share the energy wealth, whatever that means.)
To hear these options again, press 7. (I’m not fluent in Spanish but I have distinguished myself by my ability to count in 7 languages, including Spanish. Wasn’t that the Spanish option?)
If you’re not quick enough because your brain has started to die or because none of the options has anything to do with what you’re calling about, or you press zero thinking that will put you through to a human, you will hear
Thank you for calling THIEF. Good bye. Click.
If you’re quick enough to press some key other than zero, you go to the next level of The Phone Menu. Say you jab the 2 key in the nick of time…
To listen to your due date, press 1 now. Please note that you can view and pay your bill at www.thief.com. That’s www.thief.com.
To pay your bill using our automated menu, press 2 now. (I know that one too. They charge an incomprehensible $15 surcharge to pay your bill using the automated menu.)
If you cannot pay your bill, press 3 now. (Same department, same staff.)
If you did not pay your bill and your service has been disconnected, wait for the option to return to the main menu and then press 4. (No whining here. They warned early on to listen carefully to the menu items.)
If you think your bill is too high, wait for the option to return to the main menu and then press 5.
For any other billing related questions, press 6 now.
To return to the main menu, press 7 now.
To avoid hearing, “Thank you for calling THIEF. Good bye. Click.” you have to act fast. Say you jab the 6 key in the nick of time…
If you’re having trouble logging into www.thief.com, press 1 now. Again, that’s www.thief.com. (And I know that one too. If you’re late with even one payment, your login to www.thief.com is deactivated. If you choose this option, you will have a warm and informative conversation with Pretty Pauley, Lefty, and Big Mo.)
If you have the strength to continue listening to menu items, you will hear several more options before these 2 final ones:
If you have concluded your call to THIEF, press 6 now or simply hang up.
This is followed by a long pause. The exhausted and the naive often give up here thinking THIEF has ended the call. If you persist, you will hear
If you want to speak to a live representative, press 7 now. (After many calls to THIEF, I have to wonder whether some of those representatives are actually alive.)
When you press 7, you will hear
So we may route your call to the correct representative, please use your telephone keypad to enter your 13 digit account number. (I thought that was the purpose of selecting the correct menu item from the 53 choices.) jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab
Please use your telephone keypad to enter your billing zip code. jab jab jab jab jab
Please use your telephone keypad to enter the lettters of the primary account holder’s first and last name. jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab
Please use your telephone keypad to enter the last 4 digits of the primary account holder’s social security number. jab jab jab jab
If you mis-jab even one key on your little telephone keypad and do not correct the error with sufficient alacrity, your will hear
Thank you for calling THIEF. Good bye. Click.
If you succeed, you will hear
Please hold while we connect you with a live representative.
And then…
All representatives are busy helping other customers. Stay on the line or simply hang up. Please note that you can visit our website at www.thief.com to find answers to most of your questions. That’s www.thief.com.
This is followed by a looping sermonette on THIEF’s heroic environmental sustainability initiatives in which you too can participate by purchasing a number of green THIEF products, such as a special surge strip incredibly priced at $249.99.
When the live representative finally picks up, what is the first thing you will hear?
Hello. May I have your 13 digit account number?
After having dutifully plodded through The Phone Menu, it’s entirely your option to lose it here and demand to know why you recently spent 10 minutes jabbing your 13 digit account number on your little telephone keypad only to have to repeat it now. However, it’s important to note that the live representative is not so dead as to forget about the magic escape button. If the representative presses that, you will hear
Thank you for calling THIEF. Good bye. Click.