As a good friend is fond of saying, you can’t make this shit up.
I call the Sign-On LAN Group for tech support (not the actual name). Please refer to a previous post for an idea of my navigation through The Phone Menu to find the router department. Finally, I’m transferred to a live representative.
Aloe. Tan skew cull leak singalong take spore.
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.
ALOE! TAN SKEW CULL LEAK SINGALONG TAKE SPORE!
Bellowing definitely helped but one more time please.
ALOE! TAN…
Wait, I think I got it! You said thank you for calling Sign-On LAN Tech Support, right?
Yaz, aloe, tan skew…
You’re welcome.
Was yore nem pull is?
What was my name? What was my name when??
WAS YORE…
I’ll just take a shot and say it’s Helen.
Aloe hell in.
I do feel that way. What is your name pull is?
Woot?
Sorry. What is your name please.
Mahi nem Joe.
Seriously? Your name is Joe? Because you don’t sound like a Joe.
Yaz, mahi nem Joe.
Alright Joe, well I called because I…
Was yore fun number?
Whoa there Joe, that’s not what I had in mind! Wait, did you say PHONE number?
Yaz, fun number.
It’s 907-512-3792.
9 1 5…
No, 907-512-3792.
9 2 7…
No! 907- you know Joe, I have to wonder how you can help me with my tech issue if you can’t understand my phone number.
Pull is mum giff me yore fun…
Never mind. Let’s do it a bit at a time. 9 0 7
9 0 7
Great! 5 1 2… (We eventually get through the rest of the digits.)
Was yore e-mill adriss?
My email address? (Just shoot me.) My first name helen at hotmail.com
mahifistnemhellinat at hotmail.com?
No, the “my first name” is not part of the email address, it’s my first na… Never mind, I’ll start over. helen at hotmail.com
hellinat at hotmail
No! Helen, my first name! H E L E N
Oh, suri. H E L E N A T at hotmail…
Don’t be sorry, just forget about the at! Just helen!
Mum, e-mill adriss massive at pert.
Yes, I know an email address must have an at part but it’s not helenat at hotmail.com. It’s just helen at hotmail.com.
Oh, suri. J U S S E L L E N at hotmail.com.
Will it help if I kill myself? H E L E N at hotmail.com!
Oh, suri. Was yore adriss?
My address? My mailing address? WHY??
Mum, I mass very fight yore ah can’t.
One more time please.
MUM, I MASS VERY FIGHT…
You must verify my account?
Yaz.
I don’t have an account! I just want tech support!
Oh, ewe one two hoping an ah can’t?
No! I don’t want to open an account! I just want tech support!
Oh, suri. Ow kin eye hell ewe?
You already helled me. Now you can help me figure out why the router I bought from you doesn’t work.
Oh, suri. Ewe wan hell fore a rotor?
Yes, a rotor. I mean a router.
Oh suri. Ewe muss call rotor deep apartment fore rotor.
I listened to 53 menu items to pick the option to talk to the router department! Aren’t you the router department??
Oh suri. Ewe muss call rotor deep apartment fore rotor.
Ok, can you please transfer me?
Oh, shirt. Pull is wet.
I’ll just assume that has nothing to do with wanting my fun number. Shirt, I’ll wet. I mean sure, I’ll wait.
Aloe. Tan skew cull leak singalong take spore. Mahi nem Fred. Was yore nem pull is?
Never mind. I’ll just figure it out myself.