Internet & TV
I’m a geek. I admit it. In the suburbs I toggled our internet access from Brighthouse to AT&T Uverse and back again. The Uverse people’s lack of even a glancing relationship with basic math and their blatant lie that “fiberoptic runs right to your house” are topics for a different post. Back at Brighthouse (I simply refused to consider Spectrum), I fought like a lioness for the highest speeds we could get and reveled in the results of my anal daily speed tests – 70mbs (megabits per second) down, 12mbs up. At 69 down and 11 up I fiddled and tweaked and made ferocious calls to tech support until we were restored to 70 and 12.
During our first tour of our forest property I asked the owners, so who is your ISP?
What?
Your Internet Service Provider, who do you use?
Internet? Oh we don’t have internet.
My turn – what?? How do you send email, do internet research, shop online, read Facebook??
Oh haha we don’t do all that but we do text and email sometimes. We use our cell phones, There’s one corner in the upstairs sitting room where we can get a cell signal.
I glued myself to that corner but despite savagely jabbing at my AT&T wireless iPhone and waving it around like a frantic castaway on a desert island signaling passing rescue planes, I had no signal at all. I gave up and asked, TV?
Roof antenna. We don’t get too many channels but we can see the ones we get pretty well, unless it’s windy or raining.
Back home in the suburbs I started my research into rural ISPs. Brighthouse, nope. Uverse, nope. Even Comcast that I set up for my mother-in-law in another rural area and whose doors I swore I would never darken again, nope. There were 2 semi-viable options – HughesNet and CenturyLink. CenturyLink offered DSL, holy crap, so I called HughesNet first.
Hahaha said the rep, those speeds you saw in the ads don’t apply “out there”.
What speeds do apply “out there”?
25 down, 2.5 up. With a data cap. “
What??
The price was outrageous and the signal was via satellite. We didn’t have the best experience with satellite. So I called CenturyLink and talked to a nice guy named Ralph.
Hahaha, those speeds you saw in the ads don’t apply “out there”.
What speeds do apply?
8 down, 1 up, 2 up if you’re lucky.
EIGHT and ONE?? Surely there’s some other option!
Nope. 8 down, 1 up. But we have no data cap.
What can you do with 8 down and 1 up?? Send an email once a month??
Hahaha, welcome to the country!
I hung up.
More research turned up something called bonded VDSL with better speeds than plain old DSL Armed with a small arsenal of information I didn’t fully understand, I called Ralph.
We don’t have bonded VDSL.
Yes, you do. I entered our new zip code on your website and it said bonded VDSL is available at our address.
Oh. Hold on… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. Finally, the techs said yes, you can have bonded VDSL. Wanna sign up?
Potentially, but I want 2 bonded VDSL lines.
What? Why?
Because with those “speeds” one line will totally bog down with all our devices. I want to divide them among 2 lines.
I don’t think we do that.
Yes, you do.
Oh. Hold on… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. Finally, the techs said yes, you can have 2 bonded VDSL lines. Wanna sign up?
Potentially but I want this modem and I want to buy it, not rent it. I gave him the model number of the modem my research told me would function best with bonded VDSL.
We don’t have that modem.
Yes, you do. I saw it listed on your website.
Oh. Hold on… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. Finally, the techs said yes, you can have that modem. Wanna sign up?
Potentially but I just want to make sure, the bonded VDSL lines will each do 12 down, 2 up, right?
No, we only have 8 down.
No, bonded VDSL in our area is 12 down.
Oh. Hold on… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. Finally, the techs said yes, bonded VDSL will give you 12 down. Wanna sign up?
Feeling like I was stepping barefoot into the wetland, I gasped yes.
Ralph put together a “package” for 2 bonded VDSL lines, 2 of the modems I specified (I had to insist that 2 lines would require 2 modems), and promised speeds of 12 down, 2 up. The tech would bring the modems. Ralph explained that the discounted bundled price included a 1-year contract with AT&T DirectTV. Oh-oh. That’s satellite, right? Yep, it’s great. At our house in the suburbs it was not great. One cloud, one drop of rain, no signal. One week later we bailed and went back to cable. Oh the technology is much better now, Ralph cooed. We would need some kind of TV service, fiberoptic and even cable were out of the question, so ok, fine.
Nice Ralph waived both the CenturyLink and DirectTV installation fees and made an appointment for a tech to come “out there”. I considered retaining Sherpa guides to assist the tech along his treacherous expedition through the forest to the edge of the known world.
A couple of days before the installation date I called to make sure all was well and spoke to Jose.
Wanna sign up?
I already signed up. Ralph put together a package and gave me an appointment.
Oh. Hold on… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. Finally, no, you don’t have a package and there is no appointment.
What??
A couple of hours later, after a long and heated discussion about the prices Ralph quoted that seemingly did not exist and another protracted, harshly worded argument with a defensive supervisor about bonded VDSL and the preferred modem, we had a new and more expensive package and a new appointment. She had as much of a handle on VDSL as I have on quantum physics. I hung up with a robust migraine and a feeble sense of accomplishment.
When the tech arrived he brought one incorrect modem and equipment for one line. We had a fascinating conversation about the mind-numbing incompetence of the people who answer the phones at CenturyLink and then he left, no installation, no internet access. He did leave the modem, “just in case”, whatever that meant.
A few hours later the DirectTV guy arrived with more incorrect equipment and left, no installation, no TV. Before he departed he handed me a piece of paper on which my signature was to attest to my acceptance of a $75 installation fee. I refused to sign.
After several indescribable hours on the phone with CenturyLink and AT&T that left me hoarse and testing myself for stroke symptoms, we had 2 new appointments. This time the DirectTV guy brought the right equipment and got us up and running with a surprisingly decent signal that did not immediately disappear into the 1st cloud. However, when I read the paperwork I noticed that the contract was for 2 years. Wait, hold on, CenturyLink told me the contract was for 1 year. Yes, but at the end of the first year when your promotions “fall off” you have to renew for a 2nd year. What? And, then there was the $150 installation fee, $75 per tech visit. An energetic debate with a supervisor, during which I emphasized that neither CenturyLink’s lack of authority to waive DirectTV fees nor a fruitless trip out with the wrong equipment were my problem, got rid of the preposterous $150 charge but I failed to escape from the 1-year contract that was really a 2-year contract with higher rates in the 2nd year.
The CenturyLink guy brought 2 more incorrect modems so he left, no installation, no internet. He insisted on leaving the 2 modems, just in case. We now had 3 incorrect modems.
Two days later Fedex tossed a large box into a puddle by the gate. That too is fodder for a different post. The sodden package was from CenturyLink. What the hell would CenturyLink be sending me? Two more incorrect modems. I added these to the pile. We now had 5 incorrect modems.
Another miserable, interminable argument with CenturyLink produced a promise that they would send return labels for the 5 incorrect modems and a tech with 2 correct modems.
The new tech arrived with one correct modem, He had two incorrect modems on his truck that I would not let him install but that my spirited objections did not dissuade him from leaving, “just in case”. Do they get a bonus for dumping modems at people’s houses? No he maintained, he could not take away the incorrect modems because we would not get credit for returning them. While he stomped around outside and crawled around inside I took on the engaging task of picking ticks off his clothing in response to his disclosure of Lyme disease. We now had 1 correct modem, 7 incorrect modems, and no return labels, but we had internet access. The one correct modem blinked friendly verification of connection to the modern world, albeit only via 1 of its 2 DSL icons. What does that mean? I asked. Nothing important, the tech soothed. The 2nd supposedly bonded VDSL line dangled from the wall, an orphan with no home.
After the tech left, heart in mouth, I tested the speed on the one line – 7 down, 1 up. I grabbed the phone like a hitman grabbing his next victim. We don’t have bonded VDSL “out there”. You have basic DSL and the max download speed is 8, huffed the CenturyLink rep. Ahah, so it was important after all that only one DSL icon was lit. If the line was bonded VDSL both icons would be lit. After a delightful SIX-HOUR squabble with assorted supervisors, there was a new promise of bonded VDSL, 12 down, 2 up, and a new appointment.
Another tech came out with 2 more incorrect modems. Neck veins about to pop, I protested that we needed 2 compatible modems for our 2 bonded VDSL lines. The tech verified that the now 9 incorrect modems were for plain DSL and would not work with bonded VDSL but that was not a problem because our lines were not bonded VDSL. No amount of arguing with CenturyLink increased our speeds or reduced the stack of incorrect modems adorning the window sill.
Two days later CenturyLink sent two more incorrect modems via Fedex. We now had 1 correct modem, 11 incorrect modems, no return labels, and no bonded VDSL.
A week later our first CenturyLink bill arrived. It was almost $1000 and included charges for 12 modems, installation fees, and both CenturyLink and DirectTV monthly rates that were double what we were promised. I melted cell phone towers regaling CenturyLink with threats of law suits but it was all to no avail. So I filed an FCC complaint. The result was a wretched conversation with a rude man from CenturyLink “Customer Relations”. After he made clear in acerbic tones that I was a moron who did not understand internet speeds and processes, he spit out a promise of bonded VDSL and return labels for the 11 incorrect modems. Neither materialized.
This fun-filled adventure continued for about 2 more months until I posted a blistering dissertation on CenturyLink’s Facebook page. A rep named Paisley stepped in, got a hold of a tech named Mike, and they fixed it all – the volatile billing, the DSL-VDSL argument, the 8 down-12 down debate, the pile of incorrect modems, all of it.
I installed a mesh wifi system that gives us internet access everywhere in the house. It measures the speeds every afternoon and they hold steady at 12 down, 2 up. There was one harrowing month when during a bad thunderstorm the modems were zapped and had to be replaced. Many incorrect modems later and 8 down 1 up speeds that CenturyLink insisted were all we’d ever had, Paisley and Mike again waved their magic wands and all has been well since. Our smart home devices, our iPhones, iPads, laptops, and smart TVs are distributed between the 2 lines and they all work pretty well. Low upload speeds prevent effective video conferencing but everything else is doable. I on the other hand have CenturyLink PTSD. If the modems misbehave for even a fraction of a second I monitor them with paralyzing hyper-vigilance and suffer flashbacks to futile, circular conversations with inept CenturyLink reps.
DirectTV is now also working fairly well, the result of months of arguing that surely something could be done to prevent the upstairs wireless receiver from losing signal and rebooting every few minutes. It seems that this stupid pain-in-the ass customer was right to suggest that the receiver needed to be hard-wired to the wireless bridge downstairs or the bridge had to be relocated closer to the receiver upstairs. After at least a dozen techs made the trek “out there” and moved the bridge a foot this way and that but never upstairs, one finally listened and with a great deal of commendable labor moved it up next to the receiver. Now the receiver flexes its rebooting muscles much less frequently. Thank you Mario.
Cell Phone
I had AT&T wireless since they were Bell South and Cingular, all in all over 20 years. When we moved to the forest we had no AT&T signal within a 10-mile radius of our new home. Once the CenturyLink mess was resolved and the Eero mesh system was installed we could use wifi calling inside the house but could not use our cell phones anywhere outside. Clearly this was neither safe nor conducive to running a home-based business that required many calls while driving. So I called AT&T wireless. Surely this megalith could offer some options. Various reps made various preposterous suggestions, none of which worked and most of which I struggled to understand while they bellowed into the phone in their broken English. I can never understand why people who speak a language poorly think they will be understood better if they yell. They also stressed during each call that if I bundled with Uverse I could save a fortune. No amount of repetition that Uverse is not available “out there” nipped that script in the bud.
So I called Verizon, which I had resisted due to their ludicrous monthly rates and early termination fees. Much to my amazement, Verizon on their own initiative set us up with a host of discounts that brought the monthly charges down to a doable level. For the past 2 years the service, signal, and billing have been stable. Inside the house, under our tin roof, we still only have a cell signal in that corner of the upstairs sitting room so we continue to use wifi calling. However, outside we have a usable signal where AT&T had none.
Kudos to Apple
I’m a member of the IUP, the iPhone Upgrade Program. The program enables members to get the new iPhone every year at a lower cost. When we switched from AT&T to Verizon, the Apple rep said I would have to use my annual IUP upgrade option to get a Verizon-compatible iPhone. That meant that I could not use the IUP to upgrade to the new iPhone that was expected in just a couple of months. Ridiculous. So I sent an email to Tim Cook. I did this once before when there was an IUP snafoo and had a resolution within hours. This time I received a call almost immediately from Keegan of the Apple Executive Relations team. There was no process in place to deal with an issue like mine so Keegan and his team created one. The resolution was too complicated to explain here but it worked. I got my Verizon iPhone without having to use the IUP and when the new iPhone became available I was able to order one via the IUP process. Keegan and I have stayed in touch. At upgrade time he emails me to ask whether I need his assistance. When I receive my new iPhone I email him to let him know all is well. Apple-Google wars aside, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find better service than that. I name all my Apple devices. That year I named my iPhone Keegan.
Old Dog New Tricks
So there you have it. During the past two years I have managed to adapt my geekiness to backwoods connections that are far from cutting edge but that align well with the more low-key, earthy, peaceful life of the forest. While I rock on the porch waiting for web pages to load on my MAC, I have so much more time to take in Mother Earth and her woods and wildlife. This old dog can live with that.